Craig Weiner lost his virginity before his dad did.
Craig Weiner is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis
Craig Weiner can unscramble an egg and unswirl a marble pound cake.
Craig Weiner can start a campfire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Craig Weiner destroyed the Periodic Table, because he only recognizes the element of delight.
Craig Weiner can delete a computer’s Recycling Bin.
Craig Weiner’s computer has no “backspace” button; Craig Weiner doesn’t make mistakes.
Craig Weiner never predicted the Higgs-Boson particle. The Higgs-Boson predicted Craig Weiner.
Craig Weiner can build a snowman out of rain.
When Craig Weiner went into a maze… the maze realized how hopeless it was to try and confuse him and turned itself into a runway.
Craig Weiner and Superman once had an evil-fighting contest on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Craig Weiner has a grizzly bear carpet in his living room. The bear isn’t dead; it just wisely keeps deciding not to move.
When Craig Weiner appeared on Jeopardy, Watson answered in the form of an answer.
Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Craig Weiner stories.
Craig Weiner died 20 years ago; Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.
Love of spiders is arachnophilia, love of tight spaces is claustropholia, love of Craig Weiner is called Wisdom.
Craig Weiner won American Idol using only sign language.
Craig Weiner won the World Series of Poker using Pokémon cards.
Once a cop pulled Craig over…the cop was lucky to leave with only a warning.
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Craig Weiner.
Some magicians can walk on water, Craig Weiner can swim through land.
Craig Weiner can cut through a hot knife with butter.
Death once had a near-Craig experience.
Craig Weiner is the reason Waldo keeps getting lost.
Craig Weiner once counted to infinity – twice.
Craig Weiner can slam a revolving door.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks under his bed for Craig Weiner.
Craig Weiner can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Craig Weiner once accidentally kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants today are known as Giraffes.
Craig Weiner can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Craig Weiner has designed and granted life to.
Craig Weiner doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
Craig Weiner doesn’t call a wrong number; you just answer the wrong phone.
The only time Craig Weiner was wrong was once when he thought he made a mistake.
When Craig Weiner goes on a picnic, the ants bring him food.
Craig Weiner doesn’t turn on the lights, he turns off the dark.
Contrary to popular belief, Craig Weiner cannot fly. He just jumps and simply decides when he wants to come down.
Craig Weiner met an exclamation point and got all up in its face. And now we now have question marks.
Craig Weiner can speak Hebrew… in Chinese.
Unstoppable force meeting an immovable object? Craig Weiner clapping.
Craig Weiner can make a Happy Meal cry.
Craig Weiner once appeared on Wheel of Fortune. The last twenty-nine minutes were spent in awkward silence, waiting for the wheel to stop spinning.
There is no “Ctrl” button on Craig Weiner’s computer. Craig Weiner is beyond control.