The Awesome Dr. Pearson

Pete Pearson lost his virginity before his dad did.

Pete Pearson is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis

Pete Pearson can unscramble an egg and unswirl a marble pound cake.

 Pete Pearson can start a campfire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Pete Pearson destroyed the Periodic Table, because he only recognizes the element of delight.

Pete Pearson can delete a computer’s Recycling Bin.

Pete Pearson’s computer has no “backspace” button; Pete Pearson doesn’t make mistakes.

Pete Pearson never predicted the Higgs-Boson particle. The Higgs-Boson predicted Pete Pearson.

When Pete Pearson goes whale-watching, the whales pod-up and watch him.

Pete Pearson can build a snowman out of rain.

When Pete Pearson went into a maze… the maze realized how hopeless it was to try and confuse him and turned itself into a runway.

Pete Pearson and Superman once had an evil-fighting contest on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear outside his pants.

Pete Pearson has a grizzly bear carpet in his living room. The bear isn’t dead; it just wisely keeps deciding not to move.

When Pete Pearson appeared on Jeopardy, Watson answered in the form of an answer.

Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Pete Pearson stories.

Pete Pearson died 20 years ago; Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.

Love of spiders is arachnophilia, love of tight spaces is claustropholia, love of Pete Pearson is called Wisdom.

Pete Pearson won American Idol using only sign language.

Pete Pearson won the World Series of Poker using Pokémon cards.

Once a cop pulled Craig over…the cop was lucky to leave with only a warning.

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Pete Pearson.

Some magicians can walk on water, Pete Pearson can swim through land.

Pete Pearson can cut through a hot knife with butter.

Pete Pearson is the reason Waldo keeps getting lost.

Pete Pearson once counted to infinity – twice.

Pete Pearson can slam a revolving door.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks under his bed for Pete Pearson.

Pete Pearson can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Pete Pearson once accidentally kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants today are known as Giraffes.

Pete Pearson can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Pete Pearson has designed and granted life to.

Pete Pearson doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Pete Pearson doesn’t call a wrong number; you just answer the wrong phone.

The only time Pete Pearson was wrong was once when he thought he made a mistake.

When Pete Pearson goes on a picnic, the ants bring him food.

Pete Pearson doesn’t turn on the lights, he turns off the dark.

Contrary to popular belief, Pete Pearson cannot fly. He just jumps and simply decides when he wants to come down.

Pete Pearson met an exclamation point and got all up in its face. And now we now have question marks.

Pete Pearson can speak Hebrew… in Chinese.

Unstoppable force meeting an immovable object? Pete Pearson clapping.

Pete Pearson can make a Happy Meal cry.

Pete Pearson once appeared on Wheel of Fortune. The last twenty-nine minutes were spent in awkward silence, waiting for the wheel to stop spinning.

Death once had a near-Pete experience.

There is no “Ctrl” button on Pete Pearson’s computer. Pete Pearson is beyond control.

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